I know you can't always get what you want. But can we get what we deserve?
Can we put hopes and dreams in baskets and send them up to be fulfilled? How much work does getting what you deserve require? A month? A year? What sort of heartache does one endure? And much of a show is allowed to be put on before one gives up? Are you weak if you fail at waiting for what what you hope for?
It's hard to quantify desires in terms of wants versus needs. And even harder when that desire is a person.
I don't know whether my wanting of him grew to be a need or if it was the other way around. What I do know is it's there now and has been for some time. BDSM is funny like that. On the surface to an outsider it can seem based only in sex and more rudimentary forms of sexual deviances. But for me BDSM has never been about sex, at least not primarily. I'm not thinking about the sex that I'll miss when he's gone. I'm thinking of the trust we've built to where I can wake him the middle of the night with my hands around his throat. I'll be craving his pet like whimpers from the side of the bed as he begs to be next to me. I'll be remembering his tender kisses as he worshipped my ass. I'll miss wearing his chastity key in front of him in the restaurant where I order for him knowing he's clad in panties under his clothes. Our dynamic has become an intrinsic part of who we are and how we interact with each other. Without it, I will feel defenseless.
Now it won't go away completely but putting 4,000+ miles, an ocean, vanilla life and tying it exclusively to online will definitely muffle it some. It'd be foolish to pretend it wouldn't.
A lot of what we do is high on any spectrum. It's intense, raw and all encompassing at times. When we're not feeding off each other's vibe all that's left is an enchantment I hope never wains. It's that fondness that feels the most vulnerable to me. The love I want to protect at all costs. Time has yet to be on our side. We always knew this day was coming, when we'd have to go from color back to black and white. I'm trying not to step back and look at the big picture because it's frightening to think of the work it's going to take and the time I have to spend waiting for something and someone that I know deep down was mine from the day I met him.
I'm going to take it one day at time and try not to forget the beautiful colors we painted together. Hoping that we'll be artists together again sooner rather than later...