Dear Diary #1

**Trigger warning: This is a re-telling of an intense domestic violence roleplay we engaged in. Please do not read any further if you may be triggered by things falling under that umbrella. Thank you.**


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Remains to be scene


If I can't arrive fashionably late to a kink event, chances are I probably won't attend.

I dress to be seen.

That takes time. There's always the ritual of choosing the right outfit (and trying each on), if I'm going with Femdom lite or Femdom dark make-up, tights, fishnets, or bare legs, of course shoes and how high I want to appear to be towering over others, and the hair--this is the key that brings my look together. Then I dress my puppy, which has become a fun afterthought that hinges on which panties he'll wear. Because, if we're being honest, there's a 99% chance he's going to end up naked.

So when I planned on attending our first kinky London outing as a couple, arriving nearly two hours late was always part of the plan. We walked in and quickly were checked into what appeared to be a bar in its everyday use. Small pockets of latex clad people were scattered about mingling, chatting, and looking sexy, it was a good turnout of about 60-75 people. The socialization was definitely at a level 10 that night and once we found out the basement dungeon didn't open for another 90 minutes I got a little antsy.

"Maybe we should talk to some people," I casually said to my puppy.

"Oh Mistress, you know I'm bad with talking to strangers, I'll let you do the introductions," he shyly whispered back.

I knew he was right. I talked to strangers everywhere all the time and it was part of what I did for work so I was use to it. I sent him to the bar to get a drink and proceeded to find some nearby kinksters to get to know but couldn't shake the feeling I'd noticed all night, I was being watched. Before we could get too in depth in conversation it was announced that the play area was open and the crowd swiftly shifted downstairs. As we made our way down, I got excited. It had been months since puppy and I played together in a dungeon and I was looking forward to our planned scene. However, as we stepped into the open area there was a clearly noticeable difference down here. Gone was the chatting and smiling faces and in had come the silence and widened eyes. There were only two pairs of people just getting started and everyone else in the space was plastered to the wall.

I grabbed puppy's leash and drug him behind me. "Don't worry about what anyone else is doing, you will be focusing on me tonight," I said in one breath.

We hustled to a smaller back room where I ordered him to lay across a leather plushy spanking bench. I do what I always did at a club for an added mind-fuck: I took each one of the toys I was prepared to use and spread them out within his view. I didn't tie him down as I hadn't brought any rope (don't enjoy explaining that to TSA on oversea travels!) and I hadn't given him any direct instructions except to simply lie down.

I rubbed his back and lightly scratched with my freshly done claw like nails.

"You remember how many spankings you owe Mistress?" I pressed his head down into the leather and cooed in his ear above the music.

"Yes Mistress, 1500 Mistress," he said defeated.

I cackled in delight. I had given him thousands of spankings before so I knew I was in for a workout.

"What are these particular spankings for?"

"For leaving Mistress and coming back to London," he replied without hesitation.

He was exactly right. That had been the guise I put this torturous activity under.

"And what is Mistress's goal?" I asked waiting for his four word answer.

He paused and closed his eyes before saying, "To make me cry."

This was music to my ears as I took the thick leather strap I had been dying to use on him in my hand.

"Shall we begin?" I asked rhetorically not waiting for an answer.

For the next forty minutes or so I proceeded to spank puppy using the leather strap, a wooden paddle, a miniature rug beater, a silicone ball slapper, a flogger and, of course, my hand. He squirmed and squealed at times which only annoyed me to the point of sitting on him and holding him down or just matching his wild flailing with even more wild intensity of the instrument I was holding.

As we neared the end of our spanking scene, tears filling his eyes, I told him to get ready for the next part, pegging. This would be our first public pegging scene and I was worried he'd be too nervous but also excited to humiliate him. By now, it was getting overwhelmingly crowded in our little area as we were one of the few people playing and doing so hard. I readied my strap-on and attempted to fuck my puppy on the wrought iron bed. This didn't go on for long as he was sore from a previous fucking the night before so I moved onto Queening him. I put my back to the room and tried to tune the room out. I rode his face slowly and methodically but not without noticing a gentleman squeeze his way into the red-lit room and slide over until he was leaned against a nearby wall facing me. He stood very close, so close I could've slapped him. He was very much interested in our scene and at one even offered to hold my submissive's legs for me.

I silently shook my head as a no thanks and flashed a fake but agitated smile. It was starting to feel smaller and smaller by the minute in the room and as I lifted off my breathless bottom all I said was, "Clean-up now."

He did as he was told and the nearby man attempted to speak to me as I click-clacked on my heels away not wanting to interact. Within minutes I could see puppy's relived face as he found me in the next larger, main room---still as quiet as a church service on a Sunday, still with the voyeurs splayed on the wall not actively playing.

"I'm ready to go Mistress," he squeaked out.

I couldn't argue with him as I knew if I was feeling the fishbowl effect myself, he was feeling it times ten.

We left the club in a hurry after having a few people approach us awkwardly we immediately said once outside together, "Well that was weird!"

Together we've put on classes, demos, podcasts, Q&As and not once had we both felt so...watched. It was interesting to be in a club and to very obviously be the main attraction without expecting to be the main attraction and then I remembered...

I had dressed to be seen.
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Love yourself: Full frontal Mistress



There's no one I love more than myself. 

I don't say that to come across as an asshole, I say that because it's the person I spend the most time with. The one whose mind I get to run rampant through and who I lie awake with each night.

Just having passed that day that promotes love is love is love, it's easy to forget to love yourself first and foremost.

When I first peeked my head into BDSM I was a different type of person. Not different in so much as I wasn't who I am today, just that I presented myself to the general populace as a different type of person.

I have always been a loud, life-of-the-party kind of girl. My sexplorations ranging in mild to "You did what?!" My sassy attitude was still my best weapon.

But once I decided to actually become a "Mistress" I figured I would be myself---fully. No longer would I hide my sexual conquests, semi-shamefully until I found others who wouldn't judge me mostly because they didn't care. No more pretending I was only vulgar because I hung around guys and not because it pleased me. And absolutely under no circumstances would I shield my sassiness from people who might not be able to handle it.

It started out with little things here and there.

The people I talked to: Open-minded folks who cared more about what type of person I was as opposed to what fashion I wore.

The secret thoughts I had: I felt "okay" wanting to dominate a man in and out of the bedroom rather than being doomed to let him lead the way through our failed relationship.

The places I went: BDSM clubs over obnoxious nightclubs filled with unworthy men grinding up on me as I tried to politely (and not so politely) decline their advances.

But all paths led here---to a Mundane to Mistress lifestyle.

When I ceased to keep the two halves of myself separate and combined the two it was like the universe sighed in relief with me...Finally, what took you so long???

It's been years now since I've had to keep up a facade that was as uncomfortable for me as wearing a too-tight wool sweater. I have a career where I can be myself. If clients want to know what I'm about sexually they most likely aren't going to cringe when I mention the four-letters BDSM. If I want to wear my piercings or show cleavage around my general workday no one bats an eye...unless it's to take a gander. And when someone makes a crass joke I can laugh out loud because everyone else is around me is doing so as well.

No more hiding.

I just realized today that this is one of the most fulfilled periods in my life. My life philosophy over time has turned from "Just try to please everyone" to "I am who I am, and fuck the rest'". That's not to say I don't care what others think. Of course I do, it's human nature to want to be accepted, to need to be liked and cared for. I've just realize not to attach too much feeling on others' negative opinions about me, if I feel it's overly judgmental or non-constructive.

I don't have to settle for people who I can show some of myself to but not the rest, oh no. I make it a point to surround myself with people who can accept all facets of my personality and most often than not, cheer for me from the sidelines of life just as I do for them. It's taken time to find the perfect circle of friends and associates but the hard work and scrutiny has certainly paid off.

My transition from mundane to Mistress has changed my life in so many ways and I don't think I could go back even if I tried.

For now, this is where I want to be and this is who I want to be and it feels good to just be able to be.
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Guest Podcast with KinkyCast: What Do I Do Next? - BDSM 101



We're back with Woody (and the Beast) as delve further into what to do as you're finding your way in a new community. We discuss:

  • Finding a mentor
  • Being safe and setting limits
  • Managing expectations
  • Educating yourself


It's up live now, so please give it a listen!
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Dreaming of you

I miss waking up to a plugged, caged, little British boy in my bed...


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Painting Paradise



I know you can't always get what you want. But can we get what we deserve? 

Can we put hopes and dreams in baskets and send them up to be fulfilled? How much work does getting what you deserve require? A month? A year? What sort of heartache does one endure? And how much of a show is allowed to be put on before one gives up?  Are you weak if you fail at waiting for what what you hoped for?

It's hard to quantify desires in terms of wants versus needs. And even harder when that desire is a person. 

I don't know whether my wanting of him grew to be a need or if it was the other way around. What I do know is it's there now and has been for some time. BDSM is funny like that. On the surface to an outsider it can seem based only in sex and more rudimentary forms of sexual deviances. But for me BDSM has never been about sex, at least not primarily. I'm not thinking about the sex that I'll miss when he's gone. I'm thinking of the trust we've built to where I can wake him the middle of the night with my hands around his throat. I'll be craving his pet like whimpers from the side of the bed as he begs to be next to me. I'll be remembering his tender kisses as he worshipped my ass. I'll miss wearing his chastity key in front of him in the restaurant where I order for him knowing he's clad in panties under his clothes. Our dynamic has become an intrinsic part of who we are and how we interact with each other. Without it, I will feel defenseless. 

Now it won't go away completely but putting 4,000+ miles, an ocean, vanilla life and tying it exclusively to online will definitely muffle it some. It'd be foolish to pretend it wouldn't.

A lot of what we do is high on any spectrum. It's intense, raw and all encompassing at times. When we're not feeding off each other's vibe all that's left is an enchantment I hope never wains. It's that fondness that feels the most vulnerable to me. The love I want to protect at all costs. Time has yet to be on our side. We always knew this day was coming, when we'd have to go from color back to black and white. I'm trying not to step back and look at the big picture because it's frightening to think of the work it's going to take and the time I have to spend waiting for something and someone that I know deep down was mine from the day I met him. 

I'm going to take it one day at time and try not to forget the beautiful colors we painted together. Hoping that we'll be artists together again sooner rather than later...
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Sissy sluts unite




Earlier in the evening Mistress informed me that we would be having a play date with another sissy. I was initially surprised and a little nervous but as it got closer to leaving to go to the dungeon, I got more and more excited. I was so excited that I actually got dressed in my full sissy wear before leaving, forgetting that for the first couple of hours of the night I was a demo bottom at a cbt station, and my Josy persona was going to have to wait. I literally had to change in the car back to my boy clothes while she drove to the event. With Movember behind us I realized, it had a been a while since I had dressed up and I was excited to be my Josy self again.


After two hours of kicking, kneeing, crushing, caning and for the first time ever, the excruciating feeling of BenGay, my sissy balls were aching and I was happy have them once again protected by my chastity cage, where I know my sissy clit belongs. The other sissy that Mistress had organised our play date with had been popping by to talk/flirt with us all night. Mistress had locked her up for the evening just for fun and I had to admit, despite not often finding other sissies hugely attractive, I really did think Chelsea was cute, and looked wonderful. Was I crushing? Definitely and was excited for whatever Mistress had planned.


I was told to change into my maids uniform and as always I felt so very pretty in my petticoat, pink panties, and pristine white lacy gloves. I got such wonderful and positive feedback as Mistress paraded me around on her collar and leash. The other sissy found us and Miss ordered Chelsea to change into her maid uniform and she came back looking very slutty. My maid's uniform is prim and proper. If it wasn't I'd be too distracting when Mistress is trying to work while I'm cleaning.


We both sat at her feet and Mistress knew we would do anything she wanted or needed. One thing I definitely liked was that like me, Chelsea didn't seem to be doing this for humiliation purposes, but purely because it was fun, and incredibly hot.


We were ordered to head over to a spanking bench and link hands facing each other. We looked each other in the eyes and Mistress spanked us, with our skirts pulled up. Mistress told us we were sisters. Yay! Finally a sissy sister to share the spankings with! We took our spankings before Mistress had us practice some submissive positions. This is always about power, control, and obedience for Mistress so I know she enjoyed having two sissy girls kneeling at her, literally worshipping the ground she walked on.


"Josy, you have one chance to ask Chelsea the question I know you want to ask and if you ask the wrong one, you will get 100 spankings right here!"


I'm never one to turn down spankings but I thought about my two hour tear inducing spanking less than 24 hours previously. Mistress and Marissa had bruised my ass, I wasn't sure I should be cheeky and get it wrong.


I timidly looked the taller, more curvaceous sissy in eyes again and asked... 


"Chelsea, may I please suck your cock?"


I hoped she would say yes and moments later my wish was granted! I was on my knees as I begged Chelsea and Mistress for cock. It didn't take long before she was hard and ready. I slid the condom down her cock (always safety first) and began sucking. Her cock was a nice size, and I was able to take it all in my wet mouth. Mistress says practice makes perfect and I was enjoy practicing deepthroating for her pleasure.


My head was held in place but there was little gagging. I made sure to suck cock just like Mistress had taught me, and I hoped I could make her cum. Unfortuantely Mistress likes to tease me and keep me wanting so only allowed 5 minutes of sucking. I knew these minutes would go toward my 169 minutes of sissy cock sucking training (69 minutes left!) I thanked Chelsea before kissing her shoes as Mistress ordered and looked on proudly.


We cleaned up, I got changed and headed back out into the real world. I thought that 4 am was bedtime after such an eventful weekend but Mistress was obviously still feeling excited as she allowed me to worship her pussy before using the dildo to give her two powerful orgasms. I feel asleep next to her, feeling like a well used slut.


She mentioned something about having an 11 inch cock give me a facial later tonight as she drifted off to sleep...


What have I gotten my little sissy self into?!


Sissy Josy
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A state of flux



These were pictures of someone not even remotely like me.
A message indicating that a transaction had taken place.

I didn't want to panic, I just wanted answers.

I've heard that if you tell a lie once all your truths become questionable. This to me sounds reasonable. When we lie, we are stealing social commodity without having earned it, we are scorching the trust soil that love grows in, we're holding back and wearing fears cleverly disguised as the truth.

For me the worst thing about being lied to is knowing (or feeling) like I wasn't worth the truth. It can be easy to get caught up in the details but the real question is always:

Why?

Not why me. Not why now. Just....why?

I confronted him.
He lied again.

You may have read over the years that I've encountered some liars. Some told lies only once, some pathologically, others never admitted they were lying, even when exposed. But it cost them all something. My trust. And we know that trust, like paper, once crumpled can never be perfect again.

I've been knee deep in relationships of varying depths since my teens. I myself, use to lie to lovers. I was unhappy with the results. So, I stepped back and examined why I, who I would describe as 'trustworthy', would ever lie to someone I cared about? Once I figured out why, I was able to navigate successfully away from that behavior and I have been lie free since.

He finally broke down and admitted to his lie.

He kept using the word 'mistake' and all I could focus on was how unintentional a mistake seems when what had happened here was clearly intentional. I envisioned his trust like an eraser getting smaller and smaller after each lie, only the point left to retell this to myself.

But why?

The delicate dance of dominance and submission we'd been doing for months now felt unsure footed. I thought back to my demands of him, my casual cause for pointing out his character flaws, my overbearing FemDom tendencies that didn't turn off just because we had company or were outside the house, my openly poly lifestyle, my own expectations, our blurring of the lines between kink and love. I didn't blame myself for the lie but I understood the part I played up until now in the relationship.

"I don't know why I did it" was all he could muster to me in between our tears.

Now again, I could get hung up on the details. Why did he contact her? What did they say? How did he find her? But I just wanted to know why.

He trusted me with his literal life---we did extreme breath-play regularly, I trussed him up contorted in rope without thought, dragged sharp objects across his body with playful disregard. And now...this.

We couldn't go back after this. I'd been down this darkened relationship road of deceit far too many times to know that you could never go back to the way it was before. If you were to forge forward it would have be down a different path, a truthful one.

If our relationship was to run like a machine then even I knew forgiveness was the oil. If we were to continue this journey that we had moved mountains to experience wasn't it worth tinkering on the machine? Didn't we want to understand what went wrong rather than catching the next train back to "Alonetown" population: yourself. I wasn't sure.

For me a true relationship represented two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other, despite hurt or pain. Now that's not to say one should continually accept these two things on a routine basis but it is realistic. Show me a relationship without either of them and I'll admit defeat. Great relationships often aren't great because they have no problems, they're great because both (or more) people care enough about each other to find a way to make it work. I know that giving into the anger will just make me smaller but if I can find a way to forgive him it'll force me to grow beyond what I already am...again.

Will it be hard? Yep
Will I regret it? Maybe
Will I be able to say I did all I could? Of course
Will this be the last time I have to forgive him? Absolutely not.

And I've found the more I thought about the 'why' the more I had the answer all along.

Why? Because sometimes good people make bad decisions. They fuck up and let other people down but that doesn't make them bad people. We all do things we said we never would at some point. It's all part of being human. It's all part of being in a relationship. It's all part of life. We're all flawed but we find someone who can admit that they have them too and grow together not apart.



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Guest Podcast with KinkyCast: BDSM 101 - A Podcast with Kinksters



A while back we were asked to speak on a kinky podcast and it was a no brainer that we wanted to be involved. In this guest episode with Woody we discuss:

  • -Finding the scene
  • -Researching your role
  • -Vetting others
  • -Playing safely


It's up live now, so please give it a listen!
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Good things cum to those who wait



"I placed another ad this afternoon", she casually said aloud.

"An ad for what Mistress?" I asked unsure if I wanted the answer.

"For cuckolding, and I've had over 35 responses already".



7:00 pm
That was on Sunday evening, now on Friday evening Mistress is on a date with a potential bull as I sit and wait in this hot and sweaty car. I'm not sure exactly what I feel. I have a knot in my stomach, I haven't felt like eating all day. I'm nervous, I'm hot, I'm intrigued, I'm excited but I'm not freaking out, not yet anyway. 

Of course my imagination is running wild in my head thinking about what is going on in the restaurant just feet in front of me, that I am not allowed to enter. 

Is he touching her arm?
Is he looking at her body?
Are they sizing each other up? Wondering what the other looks like naked?

The answer to all of these is probably yes, but maybe it's best I don't think to much about that for the time being. 

Every time someone walks past the car they give me a strange look, wondering why I am sitting alone in the car on this hot, 80+ degree day. Just imagine if they knew the truth. That my girlfriend, my Mistress, my love was on a date with another man while I waited patiently and silently outside. They would think I'm pathetic. I guess I am pathetic. We are here because I am not able to please Mistress how she wants to be pleased, and this is best alternative. This is a fetish we have spoke about a lot, tried once before, but now it's all very real and is really happening. 

7:44 pm
They have been inside now for over 40 minutes so it must be going well. I am still not freaking out, my mind is still racing though at what is happening. I know it's unlikely, but maybe Mistress will be so turned on she will find a way to make it happen tonight. I want to talk to her. I want to know what she is thinking right now. It is hard, if not impossible to not feel like a spare part sitting on here. Alone, unimportant and not needed. I know Mistress loves me, I have never doubted that, but I know, as a lover at least, I have always not been good enough and if this carries on I may well become irrelevant in that department. That is one thing I have thought about a lot of this albeit fair short journey I have been on this week. That this may change our sex life, perhaps permanently. I find myself feeling ok about that. I know I don't pleasure Mistress, I am used to giving her an orgasm with a dildo and receiving nothing in return. A part of me worries we will lose some closeness and intimacy but who knows for sure. I'm sure that Mistress will still allow me to make her cum whenever she needs and her bull, whether this guy or someone else is not around. 

8:16 pm
It has now been over an hour since Mistress left me. Of everything I feel, I now just feel hot. So hot, sat in the car waiting. I haven't heard anything from Mistress which is a little surprising. I thought she would stay in contact with me a little bit, even if just to increase the humiliation, but so far nothing. I am not angry or hurt, just a little surprised as it wasn't what I was expecting. I expect that I will need to get used to things not quite being what I expect. For now all I can do is wait here, like a good boy. I have no idea how long she will be. It could be five more minutes, it could be two more hours. All I can do now is wait and see where this night goes... 

8:50 pm
I'm beginning to feel, not stressed, not angry but I guess anxious. I think it's a combination of the heat, the lack of contact and what is now beginning to feel boredom in all honesty. I know this is all part of it, it's just an unusual feeling. As we are parked right outside of the restaurant people have been coming out to smoke nearly all evening. The kind of anxious feelings I am experiencing is something that this time last year I would calm with a cigarette. As this isn't an option now I have tried a few things. Writing here is one, I've had a little walk, I'm tried distracting myself with social media but I always come back to same thought, what is Mistress doing and thinking right now. The answer is probably something fairly mundane. She is probably have dinner with someone she doesn't have a great deal in common with. I'm sure she is dictating the conversation. He is probably finding her interesting and attractive and like me, will become hooked on her. But, who knows. I will continue to wait and find out soon enough. 

After almost a couple of hours Mistress and her date emerged from the restaurant. He was a tall man, and looked much bigger and stronger than me. He had his arm around her, and told me they had a very nice evening. He presented me Mistress’s panties and asked me to smell them, which I obeyed to. I felt ok seeing them, and would have been curious progressing things. Mistress doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about the evening, but she hasn't really told me her thoughts yet. 
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